Part Four

In Which We Again See Almost an Entire Fanfiction

or, Thank You Joisbishmyoga

"This is too elaborate to be a hoax, isn't it?" Keiko remarked.

Yuusuke paused. "Dunno. I've pissed off some pretty weird people..." ~ chapter 1

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Harry closed his door and leaned against it, biting his lip against the incredulous and completely inappropriate laughter that would bring his uncle running. It just *had* to be the neighborhood crazy cat lady. ~ chapter 3

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"Point your finger, Yuusuke, a wand is not a club. Hiei, use your left hand, please; your handwards will disrupt the magic. Excellent grip, Kurama, I see whip techniques translate well to wand work. Raise wands like so, swish, and flick. Understood?"

Yuusuke's eyes narrowed in distaste. "'Swish'? I don't *swish*. Girls swish. Pan--OW!" ~ chapter 3

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"And swish and flick... *flick*, Kuwabara, not bludgeon! Swing a real wand like that and you'll conjure someone's head from their neck." ~ chapter 3

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"Hiei, you're putting it in the wrong ear," Kurama said.

"So?"

"So, they'll think you're gay," Yuusuke said as his earring clicked into place. "Westerners are weird about that."

"*Humans* are 'weird' about 'that'," Hiei grumbled. ~ chapter 4

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Harry recognized that tone in the headmaster's voice. It said 'That's the way it is, be happy, and, while you may ask questions, I won't answer them in any meaningful way.' He sighed. "Yes, Headmaster. ~chapter 5

---

"Goblins aren't exclusive to Makai," Genkai responded. "And don't get any ideas," she said more softly to Kurama and Hiei. "The vaults are deep underground, guarded by curses and dragons, and none of them hold the sorts of interesting things you find in Makai. It's mostly just money."

"Boring," Hiei grumbled.

"No challenge at all," Kurama agreed.

Genkai looked at them searchingly, decided they were honestly uninterested, and gave the group an all-inclusive warning glare. "Stay here. *Don't* cause trouble." She then went to talk to a goblin teller, and was shortly whisked away. ~ Chapter 6

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"Oh, that will never do!" Ollivander plucked the wand from Yuusuke's hand as the youth leapt to his feet, incensed. "Perhaps you're unicorn hair, despite appearances...? Here, ebony and unicorn hair, ten inches." The new wand leapt from Yuusuke's hand the instant Ollivander passed it over. "Or not. Not to worry, young man, we'll find the wand for you yet!"

"Even if we blow up the shop in the process," Genkai said.

"Happens all the time," Ollivander responded. "There are *reasons* my shop is the last on the street. Here we are, sandalwood and phoenix feather, eight and a half inches. Smells nice, doesn't it? Very spiritual. Go on, try it!" ~ chapter 6

---

Speaking of taste... hadn't Genkai suggested ice cream? The shop was just a few doors down. He boggled for a moment at the sheer number of flavours, before settling on a simple cone of vanilla mint-- which turned out to be creamy white ice cream with flecks of ground vanilla bean and swirls of leaf-green mint running through it. And it wasn't the chemical, colored flavoring Kurama had grown to expect in the human world, but the real thing, enough of the chlorophyll and leaf juices remaining to register on his ki.

Note to self, he thought, buy Hiei a cone later. ~ chapter 6

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"Wizarding village. Only one in Britain. But it's up in Scotland." Harry replied, thinking. "Are you asking about wizard or muggle sights?"

"Wizard. The rest of Britain has tour books." ~ chapter 6

---

Hermione looked puzzled. "Didn't you know his name?"

"No." Before Hermione could ask, Kurama added, "No one at home will say it." This was true, according to Genkai.

"But you will say You-Know-Who's name?" she pressed.

Kurama shrugged. "He lost."

"Now THAT'S a bloody nice way to look at it," Ron remarked, grinning. ~ chapter 8

---

"We'll see," he said, far too pleasantly. Hiei shifted warily -- that was the tone that Kurama used when he was being an unpredictable bastard -- but the redhead simply pushed himself upright and twisted to sit with his legs dangling from the branch, ankles primly crossed. "What did you do last night?" he asked calmly. ~chapter 9

---

Hiei snorted. "And for Defense Against the Dark Arts," he said shortly, "Just read the textbook. If you can't find it there, it isn't worth knowing or writing an essay about."

"Why?"

"Because it doesn't exist."

---

Genkai opened her mouth. McGonagall raised a hand and forestalled her. "My point, Professor Genkai," she said calmly, "Is that if I hear of you disturbing the sleep of any of those children for anything less than a full-scale emergency, I *will* transfigure you into a plaid tea cozy. And then, I will inform the portrait of the Fat Lady that you are not to be let into Gryffindor Tower, no matter *what* teacher's password you give. I hope we understand each other.”

---

"Professor Genkai! Ruma Monga, Time-Turner. How do you respond to allegations that you're teaching questionable magic without parental consent?"

"Professor Genkai! Pavit Razi, The Daily Prophet. You've brought your own students to Hogwarts, does this mean you don't believe Harry Potter's claims regarding You-Know-Who?"

"Professor Genkai! Tatel Tayle, The Quibbler. Is it true that your chosen heir is the son of a prostitute and a demon raisin?"

Genkai snorted at this. "No comment, no comment, and try buying a real translation charm."

---

Ranks of glass jars were stacked ten high, from knee height to above Kurama's head, shelf after shelf gleaming in the sun. All were filled to capacity with gobs of shining red, fuzzy blue, foggy white and pink and yellow, rainbow-swirls and blocky stripes, near-black brown and golden tan, shimmering green and glossy violet, and colors Kurama wasn't entirely sure were supposed to exist. Thirteen-year-olds squealed and yelled greedily all around him; older students jostled and shoved, fighting the third-years for space at the shelves.

Kurama was trapped in Honeydukes, and he was quickly losing his appetite. He didn't dislike sweets, but too much was too much! The sheer amount of sugar and heavy Western flavorings he could smell was overwhelming. The masses of students were irritating his youko side with every bump; he was sure half the school was packed into this shop right now, and was suppressing his instinct to shove every shopper (pickpocket! killer!) away. But what was most worrying right now... he'd lost Hiei in this crowd.

"Hiei!" he called. "Kimi wa doko desu ka? Hiei!"

The crowd parted for a split second, and Kurama caught sight of the demon. He pushed through to Hiei's side. "Can we please leav-- what on earth?" Kurama's eyes flew wide as he caught sight of Hiei's cloak, currently serving as an improvised sack. "Hiei, do you have any idea how much this much candy costs?!"

A disdainful snort: possibly 'I don't care, I'm not paying anyway', possibly 'take any of it and I'll hurt you'.

Kurama shoved aside any thought of Hiei actually eating all the sweets in his cloak, shuddering slightly. His teeth ached at the thought. "I know how much money you have on you," he said, focusing on the allowances Genkai had given each of them in Diagon Alley. Unless Hiei had brought or stolen more... "Put. Some. Back."

Hiei shot him a deadly glare. "Go. Bug. Genkai."

---

"The Meteor's turns are too slow--"

("Hey-- stop! Do you know how much this equipment costs?!" A sharp click. "My film! You've ruined it!")

"-- pretty fast broom, though nothing like a Firebolt--"

("Professor, have you no control over your student?!")

"-- decent for a Chaser --"

(A snort. "No comment.")

"-- but Ronniekins isn't a Chaser, wot. The Nimbus 2001, now--"

("Is this how you conduct your classes?!")

"-- is what the Slytherins have," Harry pointed out.

("We aren't in school," Genkai replied.)

Fred nodded. "So we're NOT getting it."

(The muffled thunk of wood against flesh, and the clatter of another camera hitting the floor. "Oops!" Botan yelped. "I'm so sorry! It's so small in here-- are you okay?")

The door to the shop opened with a nearly unheard jingle of the bell over the door.

"What about this, uh, 'Comet'?" Hermione asked.

("Professor!" It was Kurama, and he sounded... miffed.)

"'Mione, Comets are *old*! They're *slow*!"

("Hiei has half the candy store bundled in his cloak, and he will *not* put any of it back.")

"They're well-priced and have a great turning radius," Hermione pointed out. ("And what do you expect *me* to do about it?" Genkai asked acidly.)

"Okay, Hermione, quick practical in broom facts," Fred said.

("Give us more money so he can pay," Kurama replied sharply.)

"Here's a Comet, and here's a Cleansweep. Look at the twigs here, see how the Comet's are cut? Makes it bushier."

("Why, Kurama, are you asking for a LOAN?" Genkai sounded amused.)

George cut in. "That creates drag. Makes the Comet both slower and harder to turn at high speeds."

(Kurama's voice was cold. "I prefer to think of it as a charitable donation to the "Keep Hiei Out Of Trouble" fund.")

"Actually, I rather like that Cleansweep," Ron said.

(A puff of amusement, and the jingle of coins. "It's almost worth it just to see you all huffy.")

"Hm... the 11?" Fred asked. "Doesn't get all that much speed--"

(A hiss, and a few seconds later the door to the shop slammed shut.

"But it doesn't need that much," George continued. "And it's got great acceleration and braking--"

("You shouldn't bait him like that, old hag," Yuusuke said.)

"-- and it's bloody brilliant with flips and turns," Ron finished.

("I'm an old woman," Genkai replied. "It keeps me on my toes.")

"It's yours, then," the twins chorused.

("Whatever," Yuusuke grumbled. "It's your lifespan.")

---

You'll wake around 9 am. Don't bother with Arithmancy, Vector thinks you're ill. Your judgement and powers aren't back to par yet; don't medicate yourself til after dark. Yukina will be done with DADA at 9:45 if you can't handle the headache.

We can fight this out later. Don't kill my cat.

---

"Kurama," Ron clarified, though that hadn't quite been Hiei's question. "You've been acting like the twins when they have a row. All 'I'm going to sit next to you but pretend you don't exist'." He took another gulp of cocoa. "George is really good at that. Fred tends more towards these kinda creepy sad looks, especially when it's his fault. So what'd he do?"

Hiei forced down a surge of uneasiness. He... they'd been obvious enough that even Ron had noticed? He thought he'd been acting normally. "It doesn't translate," he said curtly.

"Yeah," Ron drawled sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Sure."

"It doesn't," Hiei repeated. Because it really didn't translate into human terms. Humans had all that 'love' crap, that covered family and lovers and friends and who knew what else. Demons had trust and survival, if they were lucky. Forbidden children didn't even get that.

Except... Hiei had. Formally, even. Kurama was a lunatic.

---

"The girls gave you the sheath," Yuusuke said. "Keiko refused to buy the blade -- said giving knives is bad luck."

"Yukina says it's great luck," Kuwabara protested.

"So we have no idea," Yuusuke added, still talking to Harry. "The sheath's adjustable, you can fit it on your arm, belt, or leg."

---

No. The phrase was more accurately 'gazing worshipfully'. He'd seen that expression and posture in each of their Divination classes, directed towards Trelawney. And were those tears in her eyes?

"What?" Hiei growled.

"Lavender wanted to be here too," Parvati began. Padma rolled her eyes. "To think you carried such a burden all through the holidays--!"

What the hell is she talking about?, Hiei wondered.

"You can tell us, or Professor Trelawney, anytime," she added earnestly. "We understand the burden of the Inner Eye. We'll help you... the trauma of foreseeing such horrible things happening to a friend, and the guilt of watching it come to pass--!" She shook her head, tears trickling from her eyes.

She has got to be fucking kidding me.

"Where. Did. You. Hear. THAT?"

Before Parvati could, Padma answered. "When you didn't show up in Divination today, Ron Weasley fed the professor a line--"

"Padma!"

"--about you having a Holiday Vision Of Your Best Friend's Impending Doom." Her voice only needed to drop a couple of octaves to suit a B-movie voiceover, except for a note of stifled laughter behind the dramatic tones. "He added that you were Immersed in Guilt and Keeping Vigil At His Side--"

"PADMA! HOW COULD YOU--?!"

"--and the professor swallowed it hook, line, and sinker."

Parvati let out a strangled squawk.

"Ready state," Hiei ordered. The twins fell automatically into silent mediation.

Holiday Visions? Impending Doom? Immersed in Guilt?

... it was exactly the sort of thing that the loony professor would eat up with a spoon. Ron had probably just assured Hiei perfect grades for the term. But it was bloody embarrassing!

Note to self: do NOT let Kurama hear about this.

---

Hiei blinked. Soybeans...? "Ask him yourself."

"Haven't seen him all day," Yuusuke answered. "Does he have them? We need soybeans for Setsubun."

My valiant allies. Team Urameshi, winners of the Ankoku Buujuutsukai. Hiei resisted the urge to put his face in his hands. And they want to throw soybeans around tomorrow like three-year-olds. "How should I know? Go bug Genkai or the House Elves."

---

"Well, then. Sirius Black, of the most-noble-and-ancient-House-of Darkmarked Gits, at your service." His eyes gleamed impishly. "What can I do for you, lord fox?"

~The best defense

---

Another voice was heard on the phone," Mommy, Uncle Fred and George turned Ben into a canary!" – the auction

---

My Reality Check bounced.

---

“It's just you and me, now. Well...you and you and you and you and you and you and you, and me.” – Yusuke to Sensui, YYH

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“Sir, for Yusuke to be my dog, he’d have to respond when I called.” – Keiko, YYH

---

"Heero." The blonde tried the name out, pronouncing it correctly as if to show off his pedigree. "My name is Draco Malfoy, and these here are Crabbe and Goyle." He gestured to the other two. "Just where did you come from anyway?"

"The ceiling." – when worlds collide

---

Wufei seemed to think it dishonorable to drive below the posted speed limit for any reason whatsoever, like snow, rain, turns, passengers...

---

No answer, not that Duo had expected one. This was just preliminary, an opening volley. He went on. One of Duo's talents was the ability to talk on and on without requiring a response. It was said that sometimes Duo just talked prisoners into confessing; that they told their secrets just to make him shut up.

---

Snuggle a Hiei today. Caution: fatalities may occur, snuggle at your own risk.

---

“Believe me, where Potter is concerned, these complications don't come close to true problems. His problems come in industrial size only. These barely qualify as blips.” – Charlie, furry magic

---

"Ryou, it's lunch time. It's Friday. There are rules about this sort of thing."

"Rules?" the transfer student asked flatly, one white eyebrow arching.

"Yeah, man. Unspoken Rules of Student Conduct. Like 'No student shall so much as think of doing homework on a Friday', 'No student shall steal a teacher's answer sheet unless they're sure they won't get caught' and 'No student shall covet another student's chicken nuggets and fries on chicken nugget day 'lest they incur the Chicken God's wrath'."

Ryou blinked.

"You're making this up by the seat of your pants, aren't you?"

The redhead sighed dramatically. "I get no respect," he whined, pouting.

Offstage, Taro sniggered. "Dammit, Kanzaki! Memorize your lines!"

~Ryou and three (or two - I'm not quite sure if all of them are in this scene) OCs, Chapter 3 of Is This Normal?, Yu-Gi-Oh! Fanfic

---

Chuckling, the senior student shoved him along. "You're coming," he ordered with finality.

Up the stairs.

"No..."

"Be sure to lock your room before you go..."

Onto his floor.

"Nooo..."

"...And try not to hog all the girls."

Down the hall.

"No..."

"We're leaving in an hour."

"No?" Ryou sighed helplessly, perfectly aware that he'd lost the argument before it even started.

//Y'know, you've got pretty good posture for someone without a spine,// his yami commented sarcastically.

/Not helping.../ the hikari groused, but was secretly pleased that his yami had seemingly shaken off whatever was bothering him earlier. A grumpy yami was a dangerous one. A sarcastic yami, he could deal with.

~Ryou, Bakura, and an OC, Chapter 8 of Is This Normal?

---

Brought 'this'? Oh, the line of thought. "Dunno. I don't really care about Malfoy," Harry lied, "But this is the first time I've had a Defense professor who didn't end up attacking me. It didn't really hit until I saw that Genkai's back."

Yuusuke snorted. "She might yet attack you. Calls it 'training'." – A good offense

---

"Yes, sir!" Duo peered at the controls. "What does this do?"

"DUO!"

The suit shook again and there was a great crashing and groaning.

"Hey!" You can re-arrange the arms! Cool!"

---

"Yeah, I think they'll be okay with it. Daddy's probably not going to be very happy with you for a while but it's not like you're going to up and abandon us or anything. You'll be around and I'll talk him out of the whole needing to be married thing." Bulma replied with a knowing look, having given this a lot of thought. "I'm over thirty after all. It's not like I'm not more than capable of taking care of this baby if you were to get yourself blown up or something."

"Which I don't plan on doing any time soon."

"You never plan to blow yourself, Vegeta. You just bite off more than you can chew or push yourself too far." Bulma pointed out, rolling her eyes.

---

For some strange reason, Duo's glee filled voice worried me a little bit. Okay FUCK that. It worried me a lot. I may not be normal, hell I relish in being inhuman, but if I know one thing, it's when to be concerned. And when Duo gets that aura about him, it's enough to make you NEED to worry. And you know which one I'm talking about, you know the one that spells out 'I've completely ditched my mind in the sewer and so forth have no chance of being sane until further notice'.

Yeah. Scary shit. And I'm allowed to say that because I've been corrupted. So sue me.

~Heero, about Duo, Happy Heero, Monotone Duo!, a GW fanfic by LeoOsaka Bakura's stalker

---

"Now you have us, too," Duo winked. "And we're the guys you want on your team."

"We'll get our hands dirty," Quatre said softly, "to help anyone who is being unjustly repressed and prejudiced against."

"And Valuemart puritan guy is definitely of the bad," Duo inserted with a smirk.

Harry choked.

"Um, Duo," Quatre said, hiding a smile behind the palm of his hand. "I think that's 'Voldemort'."

"Really?" Duo replied airily. "No wonder I keep having this image of a guy in a red vest attacking innocent civilians with his low, low prices."

Duo, Quatre, and Harry, Harry Potter and the Secret Link, chapter 7

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Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, defeater of You Know Who (“No, I don’t know who. Who what?”) – chapter 5

---

“A ‘hey, I’m alive and kicking’ postcard would have been nice,” Quatre murmured softly – chapter 6

---`

“And I hope you utter rejects don’t keep this ‘mister’ stuff up, or Mr. Maxwell will be forced to take Mr. Magic Stick and shove it up collective Mr. Piehole.” Duo rolled his eyes. “The both of you are almost seventeen years old. Grow down, people!” – chapter 6

---

Quatre took pity on Draco when he noted the feeling of confusion coming from the taller blond. “Duo appreciates anyone who can cooly tell him he’s something of an idiot without outright saying it. Though sarcasm is the lowest form of humor, it’s Duo’s favorite form.” – chapter 6

---

Peru to England in a millisecond? It’s like breaking all laws of physics within the span of five minutes. Not. Possible.

Another part of his mind said knowingly, And completely something Duo would find out how to do. – chapter 7

---

“Welcome to Slytherin House,” Draco said flatly. “If you bother asking anyone from any other house at Hogwarts, they’ll tell you we’re all a bunch of vile, evil little cockroaches with no remorse for who we exploit, and our places in Hell have been reserved ever since we were old enough to talk.”

“They’re probably right,” Pansy said with a shrug. “We don’t know, and we don’t care. Our House motto is ‘admit nothing, deny everything, and make counter-accusations.’”

“A close second is ‘if you can smile when something goes wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.’” Draco waved a hand around. “This is the Slytherin common room. As you can see, it’s empty. That’s because curfew is in five minutes, and students either finishing their homework or doing something nefarious elsewhere. Fellow Slytherins usually don’t care what you do unless you get caught.”

“Snape will warn you twice if you’re caught out after curfew,” Pansy added. “Any other professor will dole out punishment as due. Because of the social situations in the wizarding world, many professors will demand what you’re doing, so be cautious if you have to be out after curfew. Slytherins have the label of being potential Death Eaters, so getting caught outside after curfew will immediately put you on a list of Students Who Might Be Death Eaters, and then you’ll be watched closely.”

“Boys can’t enter the girls dormitory, which is located to the left,” Draco pointed. “However, apparently boys are allowed to invite girls into their dorms, which is the staircase to the right. Either that, or the higher ups haven’t quite figured this whole hormonal thing out yet. Either way, if you must have female company and require privacy, it’s an unwritten rule for the other boys to vacate the dorm.”

“Slytherin House is like your family,” Pansy added. “That means even if we don’t like someone in this house, we’ll rally to their side in an instant. No one else will stick up for us, so we stick up for each other. Don’t bother mistaking that for loyalty. We’re just as quick to twist the knife on one we don’t like.”

“Keep the internal quarrels private,” Draco said. “We’re a close-knit band, and we don’t like our inner battles aired to the rest of the houses.”

“If you have any questions,” Pansy said, “feel free to ask someone that you trust within the House. Prefects are safe bets to getting your questions truthfully answered. It’s best that you keep your possessions in your dorm or in your trunk. Slytherins have a strict finders-keepers policy. If one is dense enough to leave his or her possessions out for anyone to find, then it is clear to the finder that one does not deserve it. You should ward your trunk, as well. Some less scrupulous Slytherins will go to lengths to find something to borrow without any intention of bringing anything back.”

“Another unwritten rule,” Draco said, “is to be patient when someone is not too quick on the uptake. Inbreeding is most likely the culprit to a lot of rampant stupidity around here. If you can’t exercise patience, ignore them.”

---

Ponoma Sprout was ecstatic. Thrilled. There were no bounds to how happy she was. Out of all of the new students, she managed to land the one who was less likely to A) commit homicide, B) rant and rave about every little thing, C) be antisocial, and (most importantly) D) blow up one of her greenhouses.

---

If Christmas was sentient, Wufei thought he would like a chance to assassinate it rather violently.

Stupid Christmas.

Wufei, Harry Potter and the Secret Link, chapter 12

---

"So we're having a massive sleep-over in Gryffindor," Duo said brightly, that annoying selective hearing problem of his kicking in. "You're welcome to join. We convinced contacts alcohol and everything."

"Me, spend the night... in Gryffindor?" Draco said slowly, testing the very idea in his mind. That would be... almost disastrous. He wasn't sure he would be able to survive the chaos of the moment the Slytherin Prince set foot in lion territory. It would be apocalyptic, mayhem, disorder in the universe as he knew it. Up would be down and down would be sideways, the sky would be green and the grass purple, Crabbe would make a passing score on a Charms exam, and Draco would suddenly start thinking backwards.

It would be insanity.

Which was a damn sight better then what he did have planned.

"I'm in."

At least Potter would be infuriated.

~Duo and Draco, Harry Potter and the Secret Link, chapter 13

---

"Beautiful couple. This one has a nice arse," Fred said casually, pointing at Duo.

Draco growled beneath his breath when Duo laughed. "Are you kidding? Dragon Boy is so not my type!"

"His type has a more homicidal maniac quality to him," Draco said testily.

"I'll have you know that Hee-chan is very calm and collected about his homicidal tendencies," Duo said proudly. "He plans it out way in advance. There's no 'maniac' quality about it."

Fred, George, Draco, and Duo, in Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, Harry Potter and the Secret Link, Chapter 20